Since things around Haemet have been far too serious lately (or just non-existent), we’re going to change things up a bit and talk about breasts. Or rather, Dear Abby’s non-advice to a man who is upset that all the women he dates in South Floria have boob jobs:
DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old man who has been divorced for six months. I recently moved down to South Florida for a new job. I am trying out the dating scene, but it has been difficult because I was married for 10 years.Abby, it’s hard to find decent, intelligent women down here. All the women I have dated so far have had breast implants. These not only look strange, but also feel uncomfortable during intimate moments. These women get a lot of looks from other men who gawk at their chests when we’re together.
Would it be wrong of me to ask a woman, say within the first few dates, if her breasts are real? I don’t care if they’re big or small, I just want them real. — NEEDS A REAL WOMAN IN FLORIDA
Abby’s inane advice was to try online dating and request “no plastic surgery”. Let’s look at this, though. Every woman that this dude has dated has such sexy breasts that they “get a lot of looks form other men who gawk at their chests”, but he is shocked – shocked! – to find out that every single woman he dates has fake boobs.
Obvious solution: start dating women who are more January Jones and less Christina Hendricks. Don’t like dating women whose breasts get ogled by other men? Stop asking out women solely because you were ogling her rack. Want to start dating smart women? Stop being such a damn moron that you can’t connect “big boobs in South Florida” with “breast implants”.
Rant over. 
Oh no, we can’t leave it at that.
This poor fellow has had his life troubled by the fact that upon re-entering the dating scene the women he has chosen to date have breasts that don’t feel right to him? Those intimate moments are less personal and fulfilling? So he writes to Dear Abbey?! Why not just ask mom, get her input on this troubling hardship he is going through. What a wanker. I mean, the whole thing! He wants the real deal? But by gosh, these ginormous breasts are all bogus. How did that happen?! And … and .. people are staring! What a moron.
What he should be worrying about is the gals thinking:
“How come I can’t find a decent, intelligent guy that has a pair of stones. All I come up with is this wanker who keeps pawing me. Hey, pal, make eye contact, will ya? And why is he always looking around the room when we go out to dinner? Why is this weiner boyfriend sitting off in the corner writing letters to Dear Abbey?”
Sheesh.
nicholas’s last blog post..Democrats Strategize With A Winner?
ROFLMAO.
I give up blogging; you do it way better.
Great post. On those rare days when I read the Houston Chronicle I check out what (usually lame) advice Dear Abby is giving. I happened to catch that one.
Dear Totally Clueless in South Florida: It’s pretty easy to tell if they’re real or not. If you’re not that bright, I’m sure there are sites where you can go to learn what to look for.
Your’s Dear BB
-James Nicholas is a very good blogger, but don’t you dare stop blogging Roxe – your rants are always entertaining.
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This has been most delightful! You do a lovely rant.
And I quite like Nicholas’ Why is this weiner boyfriend sitting off in the corner writing letters to Dear Abbey?
Thank you, Cathy.
Oh, that was a perfect line by Nicholas.
ROFL. How about, for starters, “South Florida ZIP Code and breasts so large that every guy in the restaurant swivels his head to look at her when you’re going to your table”? Has this guy neve rheard of “too good to be true”?
And you know what it will be if he starts dating single moms:
“Why are the children I give candy to always so sticky?”
“I’m sure there are sites where you can go to learn what to look for.
Your’s BB”
That Bongo Bob! I’m sure there’s sites where you can learn what to look for?! What are you going to do with a guy like that!!
“Has this guy never heard of “too good to be true”?”
No, but Bob has. He’s suffered terribly, that poor man.
nicholas’s last blog post..President Dazzles In Des Moines
I think Bob is still working through the work of rehab. It’s a process, and he has been willing to share his pain with a number of his fellow sufferers.
nicholas’s last blog post..President Dazzles In Des Moines
I think if you meet someone and there is a lot of chemistry, you should forget about whether her breasts are real or fake and enjoy the parts of the relationship that make you happy. There is more to a woman than breasts. Caress her thighs? Her cheeks?
Make love?
If I really felt strongly about a woman who had had a breast removed, or one added, or one shaped strangely, my feelings for her as a person would override the distraction. This guy needs to learn how to love.
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Awww.
So very true.
I do hear of women who have a mastectomy, and then are heartbroken when their husbands won’t touch them anymore. I can’t help but wonder, now that you bring it up, what “Moron in South Florida” would do if his wife got a breast removed and then had reconstruction.
Maybe he could (heaven forbid) try getting into a relationship with a woman, regardless of what her breasts are like, and, if they are fake and he doesn’t like it, tell her that he loves her no matter what, but if she ever gets tired of having fake breasts, he’ll fully support her in going back to her natural body.
“Maybe he could (heaven forbid) try getting into a relationship with a woman, regardless of what her breasts are like”
Well, yes of course, but not without checking in with Dear Abby first.
nicholas’s last blog post..‘The Searchers’ Open Thread
While the letter seems to imply that this guy’s objection to implants is purely aesthetic (irony?) I’ve found that nearly all men who object to them, myself included, do so not for aesthetic reasons but because of what it says about a woman that she got them in the first place (low-self-esteem-revolves-around-superficial-body-self-image). It’s not as if people are selected at random from society to get boob jobs (or any other vain, superficial cosmetic surgery). Obviously this principle would not apply to someone who got them for medical reasons.
Also, while this guy does seem to be mentally deficient in any number of ways, I will say, in his defense, that, having been to South Florida myself many times, it appears to be the world capital for boob jobs. If he is trying to avoid them, I can see why he is frustrated, as the percentage of enhanced boobs there is much, much higher than anywhere else I have traveled. Perhaps he should consider moving back where he came from, unless he moved to S. Florida just for the crappy housing market, high unemployment, hurricanes, high crime rate, and lack of English speakers.
Whoa, Henry D., tell us how you really feel!
In women’s defence: if guys like big boobs and ask out women solely because they have big boobs, can you really blame a woman for putting two and two together and… getting her boobs done? I mean, men like skinny women, so women go to the gym to work off excess fat. Low self-esteem or catering to what men want?
On the other hand: If a certain type of guy (shallow, superficial, narcissistic, immature) asks out women solely because they have big boobs, and, seeing this, some women get their boobs done, can those women really blame anyone other than themselves if that is the kind of guy they end up with?
Low self-esteem or catering to what (certain) men want? Yes, both.
“Low self-esteem or catering to what men want?”
Exactly. It is attempting to make oneself attractive, regardless of the individuals esteem issues. Sometimes it is tied up with ideas of physical perfection. Sometimes the person simply is under represented in female secondary sexual characteristics and is looking for a little bounce. It’s up to her, and does not of itself indict her character or self-confidence.
Regardless, none of it adds up to a guy writing letters to Dear Abbey pleading for her help. And no, the presence of breast implants, for whatever reason, doesn’t mean you deserve to date some weeny who whines that people are staring at his girlfriend and complains that his intimate moments aren’t all that he was hoping for.
In short, the person who seems to have confidence issues is the author of the letter.
Well, this horse has been beaten to death, but it was worth a chuckle or two.
nicholas’s last blog post..Where is Gloria Allred When You Need Her?
Hahaha, it takes a smart man to find a smart woman.
I think you’re helping men become smarter with this blog post
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